Letters from the Pale Light #1

Sunday, 11:57 PM

Dear Dhya,

Elvis is singing in my headphones while the night sits beside me. The moon glows in me. There is much to say, but the words have paused. Yet, this heart knows its way home.

For 409 days, I have lived within the music of a melody. At first, I wandered lost; now, the melody has caught my rhythm. We flow together through these soft notes.

I don’t know if you are in love, but it no longer hurts to wonder. The ache is a mere dust particle, blown away the moment you return home. Before, it danced in my head alongside anxiety and panic—a punishment I thought I earned for loving you. I believed my love was a mistake, but that was just a ghost trying to persuade me to turn away.

I remain here, 1,200 meters from you. The craving to wander around your house has died. I understand now, from a woman’s perspective, how irritating the gaze of a "useless boy" can be. I understand the weight of that disturbance. I choose to never disturb you again.

I have found a home in my heart instead. In that world, we sit together on a sofa under a "White Night." I am silent. You don’t need to know why. I found an intimacy in that quiet that reality cannot touch. I know you will not love me, and I know that I love you. Loving you is like a night watching the moon—it requires nothing in return.

I live in my imagination because reality mends nothing. I am no longer "poor" or "superior." I am a human being breathing the night air to feel alive. Happiness is the moment of a kiss—it wets the lips, then dries.

Today I read Letters to Milena. I don’t understand everything, but I feel the weight. It is like this—writing to you, knowing these words will never reach you.

I have died twice before. The rope still hangs in my room, but you have made it flimsy.

I am reading Dostoevsky and Camus to find out who I am not. I won't stop breathing, because you are no longer just beside me; you are in me. Pronouncing your name is enough for this fool. They say only fools fall in love while the wise stay saintly. Let me be the fool. I have moved away from the tyranny of the "others" who messed up my life.

Now I am just a man listening to Elvis.

"Like a river flows, surely to the sea..."

It is true, Dhya. My love flows surely to you.

Ravi